It’s A Long Way Back
by dcf13
Summary: Amelia walks into a trauma room to find Meredith half dead and it’s all her fault. The only way she can live with this is by drowning herself in alcohol. This story picks up during 12x09 from Ameila’s point of view.


Chapter 1: Throwing It All Away

Amelia Shepherd sat down at Joe's Bar. Alone. At 2pm. Still in her dark blue scrubs. It was in the middle of her shift, but she didn't care. At first she told herself that she's just waiting for someone to join her. Meredith, she's waiting for Meredith.

This can't be happening. It's not happening.

But she knew that she wasn't coming. Not today. Not tomorrow. Maybe never again.

No, you can't think like that.

But she looked bad. She was non-responsive. She could be gorked, but she'd never know because she took off before she could take a CT. Amelia may not have been the biggest fan of Meredith, especially after she unplugged her brother without even notifying her, but she still didn't want to lose her. She was just starting to feel a sense of family with Meredith and Maggie, but now - but now...

"Penny for your thoughts?" Joe asked a very contemplative Amelia.

"It's all my fault. Again. I just keep messing up my life and everyone in it. I really am like a hurricane."

"Do you want to talk about it? I'm an excellent listener, so I've been told."

"I don't. I'll have a gin and tonic."

"Are you sure? You usually order a ginger ale, which tells me you might -"

"I don't need a shrink or an intervention, I need a gin and tonic."

Joe studied her. He's been a bartender long enough to be able to pick out the recovering alcoholics. She was distraught, but still uneasy about the consequences of what will happen next. "How long have you been sober, Amelia?"

Amelia put her head down. It's been a long, hard road. She's had a lot of set backs over the years. Her family basically disowned her, except for Derek. Oh Derek. Why did he have to be the first sibling she lost? "Please. It's just one drink, I'm only going to have one."

"Do you believe that? Because I don't."

Amelia stood up and started to pace, "look, Joe, I didn't come over here to be judged. I didn't leave the hospital in the middle of my shift so I can be lectured by some judgmental bartender," she put her hand through her hair, the tears started to well up in her eyes. She took a minute to compose herself. "I came over here because I hurt and I just want it to stop. I want to stop seeing Derek everyday and I think I wished for Meredith to have died instead of my brother so much that I might actually have just killed her and my first thought was ... relief," she now loses it. "I was relieved when I saw her laying on that gurney circling the drain because it's been so hard this past year dealing with her without Derek that I can't breathe half the time. I was relieved because maybe ... maybe for once in my life God listened to me by taking away my crappy sister in law and giving me my amazing jackass of a brother back. But this is all crazy and ridiculous, especially when Meredith and I were just starting to get along which makes me even more of a horrible person." Amelia sits back down on a bar stool. "So please, Joe, just give me a damn gin and tonic, or I'll just go to the liquor store down the street and buy the whole bottle, which I really don't want to do."

Joe fixed her a single drink. "Just one?"

"Just one."

He handed it to her and she chugged it like it was water giving her sweet relief on a hot day. It felt so sweet going down her throat. Amelia knew instantly when the liquor touched her lips that this won't be enough. This was just a tease, this was her just getting started. She instantly regretted this decision, at the same time, it felt so good going down. God, she missed this.

Amelia slammed the glass down on the bar, "thanks Joe," she stood up.

"One wasn't enough, was it?" Joe asked.

"I, uh, I'm going back to work," she lied. She didn't want Joe to watch her go back down this road.

Amelia had to walk across the street to the hospital to get her car, she was on a mission now to get more booze.

"Hey, there you are," a voice shouted from the ER entrance. She couldn't see him, but she knew the voice. She couldn't let Owen see her like this. She disgusts herself, she doesn't deserve to be loved right now. She got in her car and started the engine, but when she looked up, Owen was in front of her, giving her his best goofy grin. "Where are you off to?" He asked as he jumped in her car.

This startled Amelia. She's not used to someone actually looking out for her. "Owen, uh, what are you doing?" She couldn't look at him.

"Where are you off to? You just left in the middle of your shift. Are you okay?" He could see the pain and fear in her eyes. "Meredith is in good hands, you know this."

Just the mention of her name started the water works again for Amelia. She hated to get this emotional, especially in front of the boy she was so desperately trying to impress. She hoped if she ignored the tears rolling down her face, Owen would too. "How about, uh," her voice was shaky, she pulled herself together, "how about her brain? Any, uh..."

"No head trauma," Amelia put her head back on the headrest and closed her eyes as a wave of relief washed over her whole body. Good, she won't die the same way Derek did. "She's going to pull through. I mean it's not going to be easy or quick for her, but she will pull through. You know as well as I do how strong Meredith is."

"Good. That's good. Do we know what happened yet?"

"It appears the patient she was helping who had a seizure was disoriented when he came to and -"

"Meredith was left alone with him," Amelia fought back tears again. "Get out of my car."

"Amelia."

"I'm not asking, I'm telling you. Get out of my car."

"It's in the middle of your shift, where are you going?"

"Owen, please," she looked at him with desperation in her eyes.

He knew something was up, something terrible was going on with her. "If you just talk to me, I can help you. This isn't like you not to want to talk."

"I don't need to talk, Owen, I need -" she caught herself. Drinking is her secret. Her dirty little secret.

"Amelia, I'm not letting you drink, not on my watch. Come on, let's go inside. We can go to the chapel."

"You know," Amelia looked out the front window. She never wanted Owen to know how much she screwed her life up.

"I know."

"How?"

"Derek told me one night. Way before we even started dating."

"Derek ... told you?" She just couldn't get away from Derek's judgemental eyes. Even from beyond the grave he was messing up her life.

"He was worried about you one night. I was there."

"And you still wanted to date me?" This couldn't be real. Once someone finds out about her dark past they run for the hills, not ... want to get closer. Of coarse, "I am not your charity case. I'm not some damaged soul that needs fixing."

"Look at me," she turned her head away from him. "Look at me, Amelia," he grabbed her face and turned her head. "You are special, Amy, you are incredible and you deserve some good to happen in your life. I never thought of you as a charity case -"

"Get out of my car," only Derek called her Amy, that was his special name for her. No one called her that since he - since he ... "Owen, I am not asking you, I am telling you, get the hell out of my car right now."

Owen could see the fear and the despair in her eyes. She had a lot of turmoil going on beneath the surface, but he didn't know how to reach her. He could tell she was someone who has been deeply hurt before in her life, someone that was deeply and fundamentally changed by this hurt. But he didn't know how to give her the kind of love she so desperately needed. "Amelia, life isn't meant to be this hard, please, let me in. Let me in," she didn't respond. She just turned her head away from Owen. "Okay. Okay, I'll get out of your car. But only if you promise me you aren't going to go drink somewhere."

"I promise," Amelia lied. This seemed like a small price to pay to get what she wants.

"Okay then," Owen believed her because he had to. He had to have some faith in Amelia still.


End file.
